Embracing Cultural Differences: An American Woman's Love Story in Nigeria

Imagine embarking on a journey halfway across the world, not for adventure or leisure, but for the love of a friend. Now, imagine discovering your life partner along the way. That’s exactly what happened to Raniisa, our inspiring guest on today's episode. She initially made her way to Nigeria on a mission trip to support a friend, only to meet the man who would eventually become her husband. 

Ronessaa shares with us the intriguing tale of their relationship, from friendship to marriage and the unique challenges that came with it: the surprise of a marriage proposition just a few months into dating, navigating a long-distance relationship, and planning weddings in two different countries. This is not just a love story; Ronesssa’s narrative also delves into the importance of correct name pronunciation, especially in the African context, shedding light on the significance of cultural respect in interpersonal relationships. 

In the latter part of this episode, Ronessa bares her soul about her past, her healing journey from her first marriage, and how her current husband's patience and accountability helped her overcome insecurities. She offers her valuable insights on stereotypes surrounding cross-cultural relationships and the critical importance of questioning assumptions before making judgments. She concludes the episode by expressing her deep gratitude for international marriages and gives practical advice on managing long-distance relationships, debunking stereotypes, and maintaining effective communication. So, buckle up and join us on this fascinating exploration of love, culture, and relationships!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hey everyone. This is Tiffany Heard and I have a guest on Raniisa. I'm super excited. This is our first recording for the podcast and we are talking about dating a bra, marrying a bra, anything that it would, travel and love. We are going to get into it. So I'm excited for my first guest and we are going to get all the tea. We're going to get the good, bad, ugly and everything in between. So the reason why I started this podcast is because who doesn't love love right, and so I wanted to reach out to people because I want to hear their stories, I want to hear your comments and I love travel, most importantly. So I thought we could combine the two and Raniisa. I'm going to let her introduce herself and then we're going to get straight into it. So, raniisa, you have the floor. Hello.

Speaker 2: 0:58

I'm Raniisa. Most people get it mixed up, but it's okay. It is okay. I am a wife married to a Evo Nigerian man. I just got married in November of 2022. Congratulations, thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. This has been a very exciting journey, also a scary journey, and I'm just excited to share my experience with other people and also to encourage other people about how dating outside of the US can be, especially Nigeria, and so I want people to keep an open mind to it. So that's why I like to talk about it, like to help other wives and give them input, because it's such a beautiful thing.

Speaker 1: 1:50

Right, Okay. So let's go ahead and let's back this up. So well, first of all, tell me how to say your last name as well. Let's get. Let's get that straight real quick.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Okay, so my last name, my new last name, is Ananiji.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Ananiji yes, okay, okay, I got that right, okay, and I think it's important because there we can do a whole different discussion on making sure that we get people named properly right, because we can get names right from Germany and other places, so we have to get our African names correct as well. So that's why I want to ask you about it. But let's back it up. So tell me, how did you all meet? Where did you meet?

Speaker 2: 2:32

at Okay. So, first of all, my first time traveling to Nigeria was in May of 2021. And I went with a friend and her husband in support of my friend because she lost her father there. So we went there, we were her support and we of course visited the villages and, you know, looked and traveled and toured around and so we definitely saw a need in her village with the lack of supplies and things of that nature. So after that trip we were like, hey, let's, let's do a mission to provide them with this, that and the other. So came back home, digress, kind of dug more into this mission. We planned another trip for November of 2021.

Speaker 1: 3:18

Oh, so only like six months later. Six months later, oh yeah, okay, this is. This is what I love when people say that they're going to do something, they actually show up and do. I can't tell you how many times I meet people who like, oh, let's collaborate, let's do this, and then you follow with them and it's cricket.

Speaker 2: 3:36

So I have to give you kudos for returning six months later, yes, and it was so funny because the people that we met there, they were like, oh my gosh, you all came back. They were so happy to see us. They thought that we had forgot about them, and so we visited again November 2021. We stopped in Germany to celebrate my birthday and then the very next day we headed to Inagoo, nigeria. We stayed at this hotel and we met this nice guy aka my boo, but the initial meeting was nothing of a relationship, it was just a friendship. It really was.

Speaker 2: 4:20

We all kept in touch with him because he was a dentist we were sewing into his life. We was, you know, just forming a relationship. And so, may 2022, we went back and we did the event. We gave away over 1500 products for men and women in the village which my friend was from, and again, we met up with those people. We formed relationships, with my husband being included. We met up with them and the way he hugged me my friends was like I think he likes you and I was like, really, I don't think so Let me ask this question.

Speaker 1: 5:00

There was no indication of anything on the second busy Okay, okay, not to me.

Speaker 2: 5:07

Okay, other people saw it, I didn't see it. He was just happy to see us. He was like he wanted to have dinner with us, which is I thought was normal. Okay, come on over. You know, we had a fun. We met his family because we went and we prayed with them. So to me it was nothing out of the norm. We did that visit, we left, we kept in contact as usual and me and him we started contacting each other more. The conversation started to get a little deeper, okay, and I was like wait a minute, what is going on here?

Speaker 1: 5:46

And this was the friends that already told you I think he liked you. You still weren't paying attention to it until you got home and noticed that, okay, the contact kind of increased and I'm assuming the discussion evolved from just mission work into rights.

Speaker 2: 6:03

Okay, and I think it was maybe like a couple of days that I didn't talk to him and I was like wait a minute, I'm missing him, you know, I'm like where you at, you know. And so he was in the village and of course he didn't have reception or anything at that time, but then when he came back, we were talking I can't even remember how the conversation went and he was like what do you think about if I was to ask you to marry me?

Speaker 1: 6:35

And I was like okay, Now this is month. What did he ask this question in? This is like what no, once you started getting serious with him.

Speaker 2: 6:49

This was, maybe it was May. We had already come back, so maybe about July. Okay, After the big giveaway. You know when we did the mission work, it was about two months, that's like less than five months. Yes.

Speaker 1: 7:08

Okay. So let's stop. Let's stop right there, okay, let. Before we move on with your love story, let's talk about when we talk about African being being aggressive, or let's not even use the word aggressive, let's just use their very forthcoming forthright about what they have to say right Now. Let's compare to dating American men. Okay, so if this would have been American men at the five month mark, what do you think the discussion would have been like versus his discussion of what do you think about marriage?

Speaker 2: 7:45

Listen, if it was the five month mark, we would have been just talking about where we going for dinner or something of that nature. It would have never been about marriage.

Speaker 1: 7:55

Right. So that's the thing that I find, and not to compare, but let's compare because we're African American women. When it comes to dating, it could take years before they mentioned the M word Okay, and that M word is marriage right. On the opposite end and again, we're not talking about all Africans. Clearly is 54 countries in Africa, but we're just talking about our experiences, and I find that they will often speed up the process, so to speak.

Speaker 2: 8:30

Like my husband said, when it's something I want, I will go after it.

Speaker 1: 8:37

Yes, and that is definitely. That is definitely. I just meant so when he first said that, compared to your other encounters with other men, I don't know if you dated other African men as well, have you? No, this is my first time this is my very first time. Okay, so then you have anything to compare it to. But how did you feel in that moment? Did you feel like it was too quick? Were you happy that he's talked about this, like what was going on in your thought process when he said that statement Before that?

Speaker 2: 9:05

question. So I was shocked. I was like, wait, a minute, I've noticed man, and I had to go back and reread it. And then another person who knows him here in the US she's like a mother figure to him. I showed it to her. I was like wait, did you look at the? You know, I was just. I couldn't even find the words.

Speaker 2: 9:28

And one thing to add it to it was I was married before. I divorced my husband because of infidelity and he my current husband. He knew everything you know. So we had talked about that and everything. So for him to ask me and I'm like, okay, am I ready for this? Am I ready to allow someone in my space yet? Am I ready to commit myself because I'm just coming out of a divorce? So I really had to sit and examine myself to see if I was ready for this.

Speaker 2: 10:01

This was really what I wanted, and so I brushed him off. I didn't give him an answer. He asked me probably about three times and I kept saying no, you're young, you need to go explore the world and live your life, try things, you know. Is there a big age difference? There is an age difference. I have never told anybody the age difference, but there is an age difference and he was adamant about it will work. Don't you have faith in God If you believe in God? He brought this together and so forth and so forth and I was like I'll think about it. But then he said something. He asked me a question one day and it had been something I was praying about and I never told anyone. He said babe, can we do ministry together? So when he said that, I was like yeah, yeah, I'll marry you.

Speaker 1: 11:03

So you felt like that was a sign by God. Were you praying for your next husband or whoever you were dating with? After that, you guys would join in ministry.

Speaker 2: 11:13

Yes, that's what I was praying for. I even the team who went with us on the mission the giveaway outreach they laughed at me because I said to them at the table when we were all together I was like I'm not going on another ministry trip without my husband, oh OK. So when I finally announced to them that we were getting married, they just all cracked up laughing at me like you said that on the trip. You remember, you said it. I had literally forgot that. I said it.

Speaker 1: 11:46

That's why we should stay stuff out loud, because people will remind us oh, did you remember when you said that? So that's very interesting and funny. And when you talk about ministry, what does that look like? For Well, I guess let me back this up. So let's finish the story, because I got lots more questions. Oh my God. But so once you decided to say yes, how long was it from the time you said yes, I will marry you until the actual marriage happened?

Speaker 2: 12:15

November of that same year, November 2022.

Speaker 1: 12:20

So this was like June or July. Yes, it was like six maybe five months, okay, so you had it was no time at all Nope, and you ended up getting married in Nigeria. I did, yeah, okay, so did you have the traditional wedding and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2: 12:39

Yeah, yes, we did a court wedding where I wore white dress and he wore, you know, tux, and then later on that evening we had a small traditional marriage with mostly family, mostly his family, that was there. A few of the friends that I had already formed relationships with. They came and supported me and one of the supporters he is an older gentleman, we call him uncle. He came in and stepped in as if he was my dad and you know he offered me, and you know, things that are nature. So it was a very small, intimate wedding, traditional wedding that we had.

Speaker 1: 13:17

Okay, and was any of the people from the ministry able to attend?

Speaker 2: 13:21

No, they were not.

Speaker 1: 13:22

Okay, okay. So that okay. Does that mean that you are going to do a wedding here in America?

Speaker 2: 13:30

That is the plan. Once he comes to the US, we will definitely have a US wedding. He has been the one like we have to get married in a church. I want to experience that. I'm like okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 13:42

Oh, because he had never been married before.

Speaker 2: 13:44

Correct, this was his first marriage, yep.

Speaker 1: 13:46

Okay, so he wants to experience, which is good because most men.

Speaker 2: 13:51

You know they don't want to be involved.

Speaker 1: 13:52

They don't care Exactly. That's cool, that he wants to be involved in the entire process. So after you got married, how long did you stay there before you had to fly back home? I?

Speaker 2: 14:00

stayed for two weeks. I was there in Inigo and Abuja. Between those two places we kind of had a few days to ourselves in Abuja before I came back to the US.

Speaker 1: 14:15

Okay, okay. And so when do you put? Do you go back and forth to visit, or how does that work?

Speaker 2: 14:20

I do. I went back in March of this year. I really wanted to go in February to support him because he is a dentist and he was inducted into the National Nigerian Dentistry Board I believe that's the name of it. Congratulations to him. Yes, big, big, big progress. I love it. But because of elections and the atmosphere during that time I wasn't able to go. So I went in March and we kind of spent, had like a honeymoon where we spent time in Lagos and just enjoyed one another, enjoyed the culture. It just had so much fun. I went back in May of this year for his birthday, to spend his birthday with him, and then I make go back in August and then again in November.

Speaker 1: 15:07

Okay. So how do you deal with the in between times where you all can't be together? How do you make the relationship work in terms of communication? Or I don't know if you guys do activities together, like how does that work when you can't physically be there?

Speaker 2: 15:24

So the communication is extremely important. We communicate on WhatsApp and sometimes there's network problems, sometimes the call will just drop. It just all depends. But we try to maintain a level of communication.

Speaker 2: 15:43

And after the first visit after I got married, when I came back, that was probably the hardest time Because I felt like I didn't have enough time with him. And then your emotions are at a high after, you know, getting married, and then you have to come back home to sleeping in the bed by yourself, the communication problems going out, you know, not with your husband. So those were definitely definitely hard. I did a lot of crying, I did a lot of praying, but I think the most important thing was for me to communicate how I felt to him. And so we will have that talk and he was like, babe, calm down, in just a few short months we'll see each other again, and so that kind of helped him, reassuring me and him, you know, just being the leader that he is and the protector that he is, you know, just really warmed my heart and it made it just a little easier, you know, and those calls were everything. I would look forward to those calls.

Speaker 1: 16:49

So have you ever tried to do like the hey, let's watch a video at the same time, or anything like that?

Speaker 2: 16:58

So with him he's so disciplined to work, work, work, work, work that he really doesn't sit down to look at a movie. And he likes those Nollywood movies. And I'm like, oh, you don't like the Nollywood movies, I love them, but you know, I'll try to. You know, look at it when we're together, but when we are apart, we haven't. We haven't done anything of that. Okay.

Speaker 1: 17:30

Well, another question I have for you was how does your, how does your family, feel about everything? Because a lot of times when people are getting married overseas or to African in the family has a lot to say and you were married, or you were, you were only, I don't know, engaged, or the whole thing transpired very quickly. So how does your family think about them?

Speaker 2: 17:59

So me and my family, my immediate family, my children I have have daughters they were all okay with it.

Speaker 2: 18:07

You know I sat down and I talked with them. They've met him, other family members like my siblings, they all kind of met him my brother, who is probably the one I most care about. Before I left in November we my pastor kind of put together a Zoom call in which they all prayed for me and my brother was on that call. And my brother said to me he said you know I've been praying about this and you know God has given me peace about you doing this. And so he said I just want you to know you have my blessing. And so once he said that it didn't matter what anybody else had to say, I was just like I trust my brother that much and I trust his judgment. And once he said that, that settled it for me. So I don't care what anybody else needs to have to say. They're not going to come to me and say it anyway, so continue to talk behind my back and have a field day because I'm loving it.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Okay, so that was good. So you are you're. Is this your older brother?

Speaker 2: 19:15

Actually he's my younger brother.

Speaker 1: 19:17

He's your younger brother, okay, but just that person was super important, that you had their blessing throughout it all.

Speaker 2: 19:23

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Okay. I like to hear that, because I hear a lot of stories where it's the opposite right, the family's not okay with it, and then there's strife in between that you never want to. You don't want to go into a relationship or marriage where there's issues with the family. You want everybody to get along, for it to be cohesive, like you know, and so the fact that he gave you his blessing so that you could also have peace is actually great. My other questions you mentioned this earlier. You talked about getting a divorce and then marrying. How long was it between that time and did you take the time to, I guess, heal for the next relationship so that you didn't go into that, you don't go into the second one with baggage or whatever the case or those things of thoughts of will my second husband cheat on me, will it be another infidelity thing? So what did you do to, I guess, get prepared or how did you work through that?

Speaker 2: 20:23

So after I initially filed the paperwork needed in accordance to start the divorce proceeding, I went to therapy. I signed up for therapy and I went through I can't even remember how many weeks, but I promise you that was the best thing I could have ever done. The healing process was really smooth for me and I think also another thing that helped was I had already checked out mentally from my first marriage. When I made the decision to voice, I was already gone. The hurt, the pain already happened. I was over it. I had officially moved on with my life in my mind. So by the time I filed I was like you know what girl, you did this, you did it. You know I was proud of myself for taking that step to speak up for my son. I was like I'm going to speak up for myself to say, hey, this is not what I want anymore, this is not, this is not what I signed up for, right.

Speaker 1: 21:23

Right, you believe in the Bible as well, and that's one of the things that is a grounds for divorce, yep.

Speaker 2: 21:30

My husband did some stuff. Now he did some stuff and now he's, you know, trying to paint a picture like I was a bad person. And I said to all of that blame it on me, say it's my fault, I'm happy and that's all that matters, exactly.

Speaker 1: 21:54

And I'm glad that you went to therapy, because a lot of times and I say we as a generalization we don't really heal, we don't do the work to, um, to get better, you know, and to get ready for that. If that's the course that we're going, maybe a next relationship. We jump from one to another. We're going to maybe a next relationship. We jump from relationship to relationship without doing the healing. So when you go to the next person, the insecurities are still there. This person could be the best man and you over here blaming him and he just going to grocery store.

Speaker 1: 22:28

But because the other person that wants to grocery store and they stayed away too long. You're carrying that over into the to the next relationship.

Speaker 2: 22:35

And I did do some of that. I did, um, there were plenty of times where I had to apologize to my husband Once the reality of what was really going on um hit me, because I did take some of that baggage and if he didn't call me I was like, oh my gosh, what is he doing? Is he cheating? Is he with somebody else? And I really had to stop and like when, I suppose, give him a chance. You don't even have a clue what's going on. Even though I knew some of the struggles that they deal with in their country, I was still charging him for what the former partner did, and so he was very patient with me and, um, you know I definitely appreciated that. He knew the process. He said I'm praying for your healing, I want you to let that stuff go. You know he wasn't hard with me, but he was very patient and he knew that some of the things that I was coming at him was not from me, but it was from the hurt me.

Speaker 1: 23:35

Exactly and like and that's a good thing to point out Even within therapy and I don't know if you're still doing it there are still. Things take time and it also it also is your new husband showing you things differently.

Speaker 2: 23:51

You know what.

Speaker 1: 23:51

I'm saying His patience is kind, it's just showing you that he is not cheating or you know what I'm saying, or even the different things. Again, he's in his hometown, so it's a little bit different with the networks and with the outages and all that kind of stuff. But when he's here, I feel like he's going to be able to show you in terms of hey, babe, I'm going to the store, I'll be back. You know, he can easily kind of text back or something like that, to kind of, I guess, ease those things that you're still working through.

Speaker 2: 24:24

Basically, yes, and he does that. Now we both make sure we are accountable to each other. If he's going to have a busy day, he lets me know. Hey, this is. You know, I got to do this, this, this, and I'm okay with it. Now I'm more comfortable and confident that he's doing you know what he said and he's working hard, and we also share locations with each other, so that helped to. I don't really look at it, but he does.

Speaker 2: 24:56

You know he always want to make sure I'm safe and things of that nature. So just him reassuring me really, really was a big help in the earlier stages.

Speaker 1: 25:07

And when you talked about ministry, you said that you want to do ministry with your husband. Like, what does that look like?

Speaker 2: 25:13

So he even said, on my next visit we're going to the orphanage and we're going to see the widows and we're going to take food and things of that nature, you know, just to support them, make a donation. The few times that we have been together, we fed the homeless, we bless people with money that were in need, you know things of that nature. So it's an outreach thing for us. Every trip, every visit, we want to bless somebody and so that's the nature that we have taken on. And I even take toys, for if I need any kids I'll have something, or lollipops or things of that nature, just to be a blessing to somebody. We don't have a rhyme or reason, we don't have an agenda, we just do it. If we see it and the spirit leads us, we just do it.

Speaker 1: 26:04

Okay, yeah, I've actually technically never taken a mission trip before, but when I do my group trips like we're going to Ghana in December we do have a day where we are volunteering.

Speaker 2: 26:18

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:19

Yes, and we're just on other trips. I did like rebuilding homes and different things like that. So I do like the fact that you guys are doing this, because there's a lot of people in me like there's so many people in me. So if we have it to give, why not?

Speaker 2: 26:38

exactly, exactly. And then at the end of the day we're coming back home where we can go back to work and make money, versus when we see how they struggle and fight for just one day, like just to have a meal, just to have, you know, water, things of that nature. Come on, now we can give a little bit. You know it's not on jealous.

Speaker 1: 26:59

Right. And to you know, I always say the first time I went to Ghana, I think they thought that I had money and I'm like I never broke college student, right, but if you think about it, even with me being a broke college student at that time, I was probably still richer than most. On a no, yeah, I might have been work, but the point is we have more than others and, like you said, why not give back? Yeah, definitely, especially, I do think that is, and worse, I think one of our missions in life in general is that we're kind to each other. Yes, and so that is a part of. We can all play a part in mission If we like. I like the fact that you are doing that.

Speaker 2: 27:45

And we have to title it mission, you know, right? We just do it, you know, and even though we call it mission, we call it ministry, call it whatever you want. I'm just going to bless you, right, I feel like to bless you, but if they do think that we have a lot of money, right?

Speaker 1: 28:04

And my other thing is what about cultural differences? You are from the United States of America, he is from Nigeria. What are some of the cultural dishes you've seen and how do you all work through those things?

Speaker 2: 28:17

So the biggest thing is the gender roles that we had to deal with, and I mentioned to him before look, I've been head of household for so long. Even while I was married, I was still had a house, so I'm ready to give it up, and I said that, you know, I really felt that I meant that. And so while we were there, my last visit back in May for his birthday, I really got to experience being a woman, even woman, and how they expect for me to do certain things, such as cook, such as Greek visitors, things of that nature, and at first I thought it was like kind of weird, because I'm like we should do this together and he doesn't have a problem doing with that. But he was just showing me this is what the culture expects for you to do. They expect for you to serve, they expect for you to prepare the foods, they expect for you to make sure the guests have something to drink. So before you invite people over, you have to make sure you have food, you make sure you have drinks for them, you make them feel warm and welcome.

Speaker 2: 29:28

And I was like I ain't no man. But then, you know, I had to snap out and realize, look, this is a different culture. You're going to have to embrace his. But I also communicated to him okay, when you come to America, you're going to have to embrace our culture as well. We're not so dead set on it, but we have to come to an understanding between the two cultures. How are we going to operate this? So we had that talk.

Speaker 1: 29:55

I'm glad that you had that talk because, honestly, there are two cultures coming together and the gender roles is a real thing. When it comes to African cultures, they do expect for women to do certain things. Now you have individual relationships where, of course, that's not the norm. But, if you were living there, that probably will be the norm. And for you you're like hold up, I'll do all this and too, like you said, if you are used to doing all the time, you don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 2: 30:22

You're like I'm tired, I don't know how older kids are.

Speaker 1: 30:26

But you are a mother, you're this and you're that, and so you're like, okay, when do I particularly get a break, right? So I'm glad that you guys had that discussion to be like, hey, I'll do a sure way right now.

Speaker 2: 30:40

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 30:41

But then when you come here, we got to come to a different type of agreement, right, because? And two, I think the difference here is and when it comes to gender roles, a lot of times we are going to work Okay, that's off the top.

Speaker 1: 30:59

So we're going to work and then I still have to come home and clean and cook and watch the kids and do this and do that and do anything else, and where do I have the time for myself? So I think that should be taken into consideration, because in some cultures the wife does not have to work and her only task is to take care of the household, which that's a big task, but they don't have to do both, you know, and so I think that is the difference and that needs to be examined and looked at.

Speaker 2: 31:26

And we had that conversation because he said you know, once I come, you don't have to work. And I was like, well, let me just let you know, I'm American. I do have certain things that you know I like and I want to do, so I'm still going to work. That's not an option. I may not work, it's hard, but I'm still going to work and we're going to hire a maid.

Speaker 1: 31:50

Ooh, what did he say about that?

Speaker 2: 31:53

He was like. He was like mate, we can save that money. I was like, no, that's not negotiable. We're going to hire cleaning service to come in and make sure our house is clean. We're going to put that line on the budget and that's a period that was non-negotiable. So he was like, okay, hey exactly.

Speaker 1: 32:08

I feel like we have to learn how to outsource. I think we, as black women, have just been conditioned to do everything ourselves, exactly, exactly. And if I can take the time and I have the money to pay someone, why not? Why can't I outsource this person? I'm tired or I just don't feel like doing?

Speaker 2: 32:30

it. This is what I'm saying, and I have neighbors who are of a different race and I see them having time to walk, go get ice cream, enjoy certain things, and while they're gone, I see the cleaning service come right in and I'm like I can have time to enjoy my life too. So this is what I'm often to do, exactly.

Speaker 1: 32:51

Okay, and you mentioned non-negotiables. What other non-negotiables did you have coming into this relationship and did you have that in your first relationship?

Speaker 2: 33:02

So that's a good question, because I did not have it in my first relationship. There were a lot of things that me and my first husband did not discuss. We just kind of jumped in this, tried to give it the best. Well, I tried to give it the best I knew how to give and it didn't work. And so that's one thing I did share with my current husband like, look, I don't wanna fail at this, I want us to be friends, I don't want the stress of marriage, I want us to enjoy being married, and so I think one thing that helped is us being a far apart, because we are forced to communicate, we are forced to share our feelings, we're forced to do this, you know, talk about everything, and so that has helped tremendously in this relationship, and I did not have that in my first marriage. We were months without talking in the same house.

Speaker 1: 33:57

Oh, wow, okay. So those are definitely things that you want to change for this new relationship for sure, yep. Okay, and I'm glad that the thing about it is we have to take lessons from each relationship that we have.

Speaker 2: 34:15

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 34:16

And that is one of the things that you're taking Like okay, that didn't quite work over here, so what are we going to change over here?

Speaker 2: 34:24

Right In that communication Talk about everything.

Speaker 1: 34:27

Exactly, like nothing. At this point, nothing is off the table. Exactly, yep, because we need to be. We want this to work Like. You know what I'm saying. We want it to be to deaf doers part, you know Exactly. And so these are some of the. I mean, we can't control anything, but some of the things we can put into place to ensure that these things are happening?

Speaker 2: 34:49

Yes, definitely. We put those security measures in place. We put check-ins in place, we have access to our marriage counselors, we contact them anytime we think we need to talk. So we have put a lot of measures into place to try to help us to be successful this time.

Speaker 1: 35:09

And that's so. How do he feel about? Because African-Americans act like they got an issue with therapy?

Speaker 2: 35:15

okay.

Speaker 1: 35:16

And men at that, black men, Now, there again. We're not saying every black man, but how do he feel about marriage counselor and or continuing therapy? Because are you guys going to continue the therapy together once he comes here as well?

Speaker 2: 35:31

Yes, we're going to continue the therapy because with us, first of all, he's going to be dealing with a cultural shock when he comes and then, on top of that, learning a new place and everything that goes into it. So we are definitely going to have couples therapy and he's going to also have therapy for himself, and so he's very open to it. He's he really wanted marriage counseling. He was very open to that. He was like, hey, let's do this. Okay, they told us to do this, let's talk about it. He was very involved and so I took that as a sign that he's going to be really open to therapy when he comes and I just hope that it helps him, just like it helped me, and that we can continue moving forward and being more positive, having a positive mental health status going on.

Speaker 1: 36:30

Okay. So you mentioned the age difference, which I won't ask. What exactly is the age difference? But it reminds me of kids. You said that you already have, because I don't know the age of your kids, but are you guys going to have children together? Is that one of his thing? I know I find this conversation a lot Men, african men in particular will say it's okay if we don't have kids, but in the back of their head they really. I've known people who divorced because they couldn't have kids, knowing that the person couldn't have kids in the first place. So, with the age difference, are you guys still planning to have kids and what is his thought about having his own family?

Speaker 2: 37:14

So we have talked about that and we are planning to try and have children and we also had the discussion up front and he was like look, if you have kids, that's good. If you don't want to, let's adopt Either way. I know that he wants children and I'm okay with that. So whichever method that it happens, I'm open.

Speaker 1: 37:44

Okay, yeah, I definitely want to, because that's a discussion that happens a lot when it comes to either. If you already have children before and they don't. It's a whole bunch of discussion about that. But I'm glad that he's open to adoption as well, because some people are like I ain't adopting Elkies, I want my own kids. Blah, blah, blah all this.

Speaker 2: 38:02

And I was surprised. I was so surprised that he was so comfortable with talking about that and even putting that up as an option is an option because, like you said, many traditional African men want they have that. What do they call it? I can't think of the name of it, but they want their seed, the generations, to continue to go on, and adoption is not the ideal for everybody, but I was grateful to understand that was definitely an option for him, so it made me feel more comfortable even to even decide or even think about what I'm gonna do, because, with me being older, of course we know science. So if there's no stress that if it doesn't happen, the natural way that we do have an option and he's okay with that.

Speaker 1: 38:54

Exactly, and for your kids. But you said your kids have met him and so is he gonna assume the stepfather role to your kids as well.

Speaker 2: 39:05

How was that?

Speaker 1: 39:05

gonna work my kids are older, my kids are interesting, I will say.

Speaker 2: 39:10

My kids are older, so they're like come on, get your out of my hair.

Speaker 1: 39:17

She's good and that's a good dynamic too, because sometimes, when the kids are younger, getting them used to somebody else in the household, another person has to tell them what to do.

Speaker 1: 39:29

So, this case is a little bit different to where they're maybe not in the house or something like that and so that's cool too. Now let's talk about. I talked to you guys about stereotypes, okay. So what do you say to those people that talk about stereotypes? When it comes to Nigerian and me, people say their scammers don't date them. I wouldn't trust them. They're gonna do this, they're gonna do. What do you say to that? The stereotype?

Speaker 2: 39:58

So every person who has said that to me, I instantly shut them up. Okay, because I said. My response is I was married to a scammer for 12 years and no one had anything to say. And he's from America, and he was from America and they usually just like they don't have nothing else to say. And so that has been my answer, which is not a lie, which is not far fetched. That was the relationship and nobody had a word to say. They were so dead on making your marriage work, blah, blah, blah. They didn't care about anything else. But now that the person that I'm with is not from here, he's from Nigeria, where we all know that the scammers are there. Yeah, they have something to say, but little do they know that one of the guy who I said who stood in as my Nigerian dad, he used to work for the Secret Service in Nigeria, so he did a pretty intensive background check. But if you would have just asked snap for the background check Exactly.

Speaker 2: 41:10

He went so far as to ask him questions about his tribe and going and visiting and finding different information about him. He did all of that. But if you would have took the time to just ask questions before, assuming you could have felt more comfortable about the answer that I was gonna give you. But because you wanna jump to that, I gave you what you wanted.

Speaker 1: 41:33

But I feel like that's a good comparison to make, because I feel that people often forget that a man is a man. That's a man, that's a man. I don't care if he's from America, exactly, if he's from Africa, if he's from Europe, you're going to have men that, of course, are going to scam, but you're gonna also have your good men. So I feel like everywhere and, like you said, you were with somebody and you're worse than I'm mine. Your ex-husband was a scammer Exactly, he was he's family From America, so exactly.

Speaker 2: 42:08

And I have some family members who still contact him after they know what he did to me and they're just like, oh, I have so much sympathy, you got sympathy for him. I mean, come on now, come on now, let's be real about things. You knew exactly what he did, Anyway. Next go ahead.

Speaker 1: 42:31

Next question Right, so yeah. So I always like to touch on that, because even people listening to this podcast may say she married this Nigerian man in six months and they will come to their own hysteria. So their conclusions about different things. So I like to be open and honest on these conversations. Like, let's talk about it.

Speaker 2: 42:52

A lot of people always want to throw in how aggressive they are and how Headstrong they are. And from my experience, after visiting Nigeria and understanding the culture, you can kind of understand why they are aggressive, because they have to almost fight for everything right. And then about being headstrong they're not really headstrong, they just a man, a man's man.

Speaker 1: 43:26

Let's talk about real quick this whole word submission. Right, and you hear me from a faith perspective, so you know that's in the Bible and my perspective on that is I have no problem submitting to my man that is leading how there's a pose to be leading. That's it right there. It's easy to submit that. The word submission is not the problem. It's not behind the man that's talking about submit. But remember I think people also forget this part of the Bible that man that you're submitting to is submitting to God. Thank, you.

Speaker 1: 44:01

And so they're submitting to God, and the rest flows along the way.

Speaker 2: 44:05

So that's not hard.

Speaker 1: 44:07

when it comes to that, I don't know what is your thoughts about submitting.

Speaker 2: 44:12

So in my experience with my husband, when I go to Nigeria to visit him, I Instantly as soon as I get off that plane, I'm living a soft life. My husband Make sure everything is in place. He makes sure I don't have to do anything. He just Not controlled but he makes sure things in place. Like when we go out to eat. He's the one he goes down the receipt to make sure the prices are correct, that they match up. He is the one who talks to okay, let's get this ride. Oh, no, we're not gonna pay that price. He's the one who does all of that, and my former relationship that was me. I had to do that plus everything else. So when I'm with my husband, I Sit back and relax and enjoy it. If you call a submission, call it what you want, because I'm I.

Speaker 1: 45:04

Mean. That's a great feeling because, like you mentioned that earlier like you just want to be in a place where you can sit back and relax and for you that's like that you giving him googly eyes, like I love you even more.

Speaker 2: 45:19

That is such a turn on to me like.

Speaker 1: 45:25

We need to talk about intimacy at all. Oh, but really quickly, let's tap into it. We got a couple more minutes in terms of intimacy. I think Men forget that intimacy happens before you even get to the bedroom. So if these are things that were out to dinner, you take care of, and that's the things that I want. By the time we get home, I'm ready to go.

Speaker 2: 45:51

And and I want to also add that is different from the US. The level of intimacy in Nigeria versus the US is a completely different thing, and I had to learn that. Yeah, it's different.

Speaker 1: 46:14

We're on audio so we can't I can't even see your facial expression. Oh, tell me, when you say it's different, what it? What it? What is intimacy? Look like from what you experienced before as to what you're experiencing now. So, to be honest, I Never experienced this level of intimacy, and I think a lot because you said you were with your ex husband for 12 years so I've never experienced this level and to me, see that I have experience with my husband and it was it's very different.

Speaker 2: 46:56

Even though in the US, I think, we're more passionate about sex, versus In Nigeria, they're more agenda. I can say that, like bam, this is what it's supposed to be, where in the US it's more passion, it's more fire, it's more mutual satisfaction, versus Nigeria, where it's Okay, we're doing this to procreate, if you feel what I'm saying. So there's some things that I have to teach my husband and that we're working on that and we're communicating about that and I'm I love that.

Speaker 1: 47:36

And each relationship is different. So what I did in the last Relationship, I have to maybe do something, and my thing is longest. They are teachable. If you are teachable, I tell you this does not work. Don't take it as a bad thing or I'm not doing it right, or this know this. Take it as this is what I enjoy and I feel like, as women, we have to speak up. You will hear a lot of stories when people say they've been married for forever and they're unsatisfied because did you say anything to your husband Listen, the point not not the point of marriage, but one of the points of marriage is so that we can have sexual intimacy.

Speaker 1: 48:15

If I'm not being satisfied, that is a problem, because I need all my satisfaction.

Speaker 2: 48:20

Okay.

Speaker 1: 48:21

Hello, this is this is the time where God says that I can do this. Yes so if I can do this, we need to get this we're gonna do it.

Speaker 2: 48:33

I Think also that Disexperience have even taught me to speak up in that area, because I would have never, never said anything. I would have just took it the way it was and be like, okay, but now uh-uh, no, we're gonna talk about this right and talking about the four plays important to. You. They don't do a lot of four play they. I have to teach them that.

Speaker 1: 49:01

Hey, that's what. But that's what I'm saying us, teaching them again these little things. That is important, and I think men forget. Men are easily Um able to do what they need to do real quick. Women we need to. You know, we need to be oiled and butted up, okay, whether it's mentally, emotionally. We need a little bit extra work, and so I need you to put the time in To kind of get to that point, to where it's like, okay, we both ready to go.

Speaker 2: 49:31

You know, I say so I.

Speaker 1: 49:33

You know I love it that he's being teachable and that you're speaking of like that. To me that's most important at the end of the day, because if they don't get what they want and what they need, I need to get my zin to.

Speaker 2: 49:46

That's, that's why we want to do this. You satisfy me, I satisfy you. That's how. That's how this works. It's a mutual telling you exactly what needs to be done. To satisfy me, we still this is still intimate Exactly, and it's just going to take it to the next level.

Speaker 1: 50:02

There you go, Exactly um, and in my, my last Uh big. So you are student of um. You guys are doing all the paper for him to come to America. Are you going to go to live in Nigeria?

Speaker 2: 50:17

So we do have plans for him to come to the us, but we also have plans to build um in Nigeria um once we got married my husband was gifted his property in the village and our goal is to build a home on that property. We also have um transportation business that we have going on Um there. So we will be Primarily living in the us, but we will go back and forth.

Speaker 1: 50:43

Okay.

Speaker 2: 50:44

All right.

Speaker 1: 50:44

Well, this was a wonderful conversation. I feel like we did a little bit here, a little bit there, so let us know what you, if there's anything that you have going on that you want to talk about, or if people can reach you if they have questions. People will hear these stories and like hey, girl, I need some advice. I got a question, so where can people reach?

Speaker 2: 51:06

you at. So the most common place to hit me up is either on instagram, and it's my name, reneza r, on Essa k the letter k um. I'm also on tiktok Uh what's? I can remember my hand. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 51:25

We'll make sure to get all yeah we'll make sure to all get your social handles, but any last 30 second advice that you have for people that are getting into an international relationship.

Speaker 2: 51:37

One thing I want to say because I do talk to a lot of fiances and a lot of wives they inbox me and ask me questions is Um, the main thing I want to tell everybody go visit before you get married. Go visit Absolutely how we live, look at the culture, look at all of that before you say I do, don't make your first trip, that I do trip.

Speaker 1: 51:59

That girl. Yes, I don't see how people do that, but that's all. We don't have time to delve into that conversation. But I totally agree with you definitely go see and check it out, because online is different from in person. Even after you get married, they're still transition that's right from them coming to their country to the states. It's a lot involves. We definitely make sure that you are there visiting seeing stuff, because mirror people can only, uh, be so good and nice for a while. They're gonna show the true colors, so I'm gonna come out and you'll see some colors in a Exactly All right. Well, this was great, um, and I'm so excited. This got me excited for the next coming series, and so we'll be having more stories, um, and so I'm excited, but this is great. Thank you so much for coming on. I appreciate it. I appreciate, appreciate and kudos for being the first person.

Speaker 2: 52:57

Thank you so much, and I want to also say thank you for even speaking on this topic, because I didn't know before I got married and then, after I got married, I saw there was a whole world of women who were married to people International and internationally, and so thank you for speaking on it and allowing me to To share a little bit of my story.

Speaker 1: 53:17

All right, and remember, on facebook there's so many facebook groups as well, so you can build community and different things like that. So definitely check out those things. All right, well, until our next episode.