International Interludes: Love & Adventure Abroad
International Interludes: Love & Adventure Abroad is a podcast that combines the excitement of solo travel with the thrill of international romance.
Join us as we dive into the world of fearless adventurers who set out on their own to explore new horizons, and along the way, found unexpected connections and heartfelt relationships in foreign lands.
In each episode, we'll share inspiring stories of solo travelers who embraced the unknown, discovered hidden gems, and may have kindled the flames of love across cultures.
Whether you're a solo travel enthusiast, a hopeful romantic, or someone curious about the transformative power of embarking on a journey of self-discovery, 'International Interludes' is your passport to tales of adventure, courage, and love those spans continents."
International Interludes: Love & Adventure Abroad
Solo Journeys & Togo Proposals: Tips for Safety and Romance
What if you could travel the world solo and stay safe while forming unforgettable connections along the way? Join us as we sit down with Rhonda, the trailblazing founder of the Black Girls Solo Travels group, which unites nearly 47,000 Black female adventurers. Rhonda shares her treasure trove of travel wisdom, offering indispensable advice on evaluating travel warnings, moderating alcohol consumption, and navigating nighttime activities. Hear her thoughts on destinations like Jamaica, showing that with the right precautions, these spots can be as safe as they are thrilling.
Ever wondered about the romance of travel? In this episode, Rhonda and our co-host swap stories about their exhilarating yet risky dating escapades while on the go. From spontaneous nights in Paris to heartfelt dinners in Spain, discover how travel romances can be fleeting yet profoundly impactful. Rhonda revisits a past romance in Cuba, reminding us that not every connection is meant to last a lifetime but can still leave a lasting imprint on our hearts. Safety tips blend seamlessly with these enthralling tales, making this segment a must-listen for the adventurous and the romantic alike.
Finally, we explore the rich tapestry of intercultural relationships through Rhonda's eyes, focusing on her experiences in Benin and Togo. Learn about the joys and challenges of merging different cultural expectations, managing significant age gaps, and making unique family decisions. Rhonda delves into her engagement ceremony, cultural rituals, and the process of bringing her partner to the United States, offering practical advice for those on a similar journey. This episode is a goldmine of insights for solo travelers and those navigating the complexities of intercultural love. Don't miss out on Rhonda's heartfelt stories and invaluable advice—this is one episode you won't want to skip!
Hey everyone, welcome back to our podcast, international Interludes. I am super excited about our guest today because, as you know, this podcast we talk about solo traveling and dating and love abroad, and so our guest today, ms Rhonda, does both of these things, so I am very, very excited to get into her story and her journey. So I'm going to allow her to introduce herself. We have been following each other on social media for a while now, and so it's actually great to actually have conversations with her on today. So, rhonda, I'm going to give you the floor and allow you to introduce yourself.
Speaker 2:Hi, good afternoon everyone. My name is Rhonda I'm going to not put my last name out because it's about to change. First of all, and I wanted to say that, I've been solo traveling most of my life, some for work, some of lately, more for personal reasons. So I founded the group Black Girls Solo Travels and it has about maybe 46,000 to 47,000 Black female travelers. Sometimes they travel solo, sometimes they don't, but the group was developed to encourage Black women to travel the world and see the world and take on the challenge by themselves and take on the challenge by themselves. Solo traveling is definitely a challenge because you're responsible for yourself and you're responsible for everything that you want to do or don't want to do. So I try to give people the opportunity to learn from the group and decide if it's something for them.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and so that's kind of where I met. Rhonda was in this group and I'm so, and I was telling her earlier I'm thankful for her creating the group, and specifically for Black women, because sometimes we need our own space as solo travelers, and I know in the group a lot of questions come up about how do you feel safe as a Black solo traveler, and I think these conversations are very important, and so it also tells you that you're not alone in doing this out there. I think sometimes we think that we're the only one doing it. No, she just mentioned 47,000. And even though all 47,000 may not be traveling solo, let's say there's a good 10,000 that are traveling solo and so we're able to share stories. I'm constantly posting in there about my solo travelers, so I'm really appreciative of the group. So, rhonda, let's address that one question about solo traveling as a Black woman and any type of safety tips that you have for people who are just starting to get into the game of solo traveling.
Speaker 2:First, I think you need to do the research of where you're going. So you know the State Department we're based in the USA, so the State Department has warnings or levels of security warnings or levels of security that might not always be accurate of what's happening on the ground. So I know that because I've worked overseas. Something could be happening and the media doesn't pick it up. The embassy might send you an alert because you're registered with the embassy, but a lot of times things that are happening overseas are not brought to our attention. So I would say the first thing that you need to do is do your research on the country that you want to visit, for example, jamaica. Recently Jamaica has been put on a high alert, but Jamaica is perfectly safe.
Speaker 2:I've lived in Jamaica. I've lived in Kingston. You know it's safe for Black people because everybody, every majority of the people there, are Black, unless you go looking for danger. I always felt safe in Jamaica. I took public transportation, I traveled around the country with or without friends and I was never assaulted or experienced any violence whatsoever.
Speaker 1:I was like Rhonda you make a good point that we should sign up for the department just for alerts, but also, at the same time, taking consideration that there's a USAID travel warning. We live here I'm in California, rhonda's in New York and, again, we have to be conscientious of, sometimes, the stuff that they put out there. So, like you said, groups like this. You can see that people are currently traveling to Jamaica, currently traveling to other places that are not necessarily a safety hazard. So I say, take everything with a grain of salt and sometimes the best research is you just going on your own right, because my opinion or my journey may be different from Rhonda's and we could literally be in the same place.
Speaker 1:I see that happen all the time. You know, I always say, as siblings, siblings can grow up together and will tell you they have five different experiences, that there's five different people. So definitely be aware of some and I would say some of the biases too, about what is safe and what is not and different things like that. And two, I also find, rhonda, you mentioned, unless you're looking for trouble, I go to Mexico a lot and they're always talking about the cartels, and I was like yo, I've been to Tijuana, I've been to Cancun, I've been to here, and, yes, there are cartels, we're not going to lie about that. But are the cartels coming to look for me? You probably not, unless you deep in the game. These people are dealing with, you know, millions of dollars. They're not worried about me, and so, again, I think we should keep those things in mind for sure.
Speaker 2:Exactly. And then the other thing I think I tell women remember where you are, because your protection or your safety is dependent upon you. For example, drink alcohol beverages here in the US and you could safely Uber home. It might not be the same in another country. So I tend not to drink alcohol when I'm traveling overseas, or if I don't have a secure way of getting back to my hotel, or if the hotel doesn't have a bar. I don't drink. And then I try not to stay out too late at night for my own safety.
Speaker 2:In some countries you can do so because the event that you're going to is a night event. Because the event that you're going to is a night event. Um, for example, in jamaica sunfest, it's an all day, all night affair. So you basically stay in one location and sleep on what they call a reggae bed, which is cardboard on the floor, but you know you're there for the duration of the experience. You're not moving around, you're in an area and you stay. There's vendors, there's places for you to wash up, you're partying all night. It just depends on the.
Speaker 1:Let me interject too I think that's a good point about drinking alcohol. I don't drink, so that's not an issue for me, but there are lots of people that consume alcohol. One of the things I would say is, if you're consuming alcohol, you need to watch your drink at all times. They even have covers that you can buy on Amazon for your drinks if you want to put it on top. But let's say you got to go to the bathroom. Either you taking that drink now people say that's unsanitary or you just say I'm done with the drink because I'm not going to leave my drink here go to the bathroom and then come back Absolutely not. I even heard they have these little peels that you can put in there to make sure your drink is not tampered with. I've heard that as well.
Speaker 1:The other thing is, too, is when you let's say you do want to go out at nighttime. Right, that's a big issue that comes up with solo travelers, and what I tend to do is I tend to go on an excursion during the daytime and usually there's other solo travelers or other groups and I'm like, hey, where are you going tonight? Where are you going tonight? All right, let's go out. So then I have somebody that can go with me so that I don't feel like I'm by myself, Right, I think in Cancun, another good way is if you have an Airbnb close to the location of where you're at In Tulum there's a group called Black in Tulum.
Speaker 1:They have a lot of night events. Well, my Airbnb was literally within five minutes of walking. This is from the location that we went to at nighttime and, because I don't drink, it was easy for me to go back home. And the other thing about Uber sometimes there's Uber in the locations and sometimes there's not. And I like Uber because it keeps track of you versus, like you know, a taxi where technically nobody knows where you're at or what you're doing.
Speaker 1:So I think the night situation and the drinking activities are very important for solo travelers and it comes up all the time.
Speaker 2:Right. So for me, when I went to Thailand, what I did is I prearranged because I wanted to experience the nightlife. I prearranged with my resort pickup times, my resort pickup times, so I would say I will meet you back at this location at this particular time so I could still enjoy some of the nightlife and having a pre-arranged transportation back to my resort. And that was a service that they offered and I utilized it many times just to go out and see some of the shows or hang out in the streets of Phuket. So it was nice precautions, because nobody wants to hear or feel violated while they're on vacation or hear about, you know, another woman being violated while they're on vacation.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and so I guess we'll go back in between solo and dating. So I'm going to bring up dating right now. So any tips for as dating as a solo traveler and being safe how do you navigate that area so?
Speaker 2:I have a lot of stories Um, I've dated, um, sometimes it's just like a one-time date, and then sometimes, like, if you're in the country for um a little while, um, you might date one person multiple times. So let's see how far I want to go back. So in my 20s I was a less. I was less inhibited, so to speak, so I went out on dates very, very frequently.
Speaker 2:I'll give you a story in Paris that we probably would never do because, you know, the media had made us so scared of the movie Taken. So I was traveling, I think maybe the second time to Paris and I was a little lost and this French, well, cameroonian guy approached me and helped me out and he asked me where I was staying and I told him I won't do that now, but I told him and he came and he took me out, he took me to see the Eiffel Tower at night and he even had his sister cook me a meal and invited me to his apartment. So that was a successful date, you know, and I vowed to keep in touch with him, but I never did. You know, I was like, oh, it was nice hanging out with you and that's kind of no.
Speaker 1:I think that brings up a great point about do you tell your location while you're traveling? Right, the rule of thumb is no right. But I too, rhonda, have told guys where I'm staying at and they pick me up and it's been okay. I always say that there was one incident where I was in Spain and the guy happened to be Ghanaian and it was funny because we ended up at a Jamaican restaurant. But the whole thing about that was, I think I called my mom and was like hey, mom, I'm about to go out with this guy or whatever, just letting you know where I'm at. And the other thing is informing the hostel like hey, I'm leaving at this time. If I'm not back by a certain time, or something like that, maybe you should call or maybe you should do something. So always informing somebody else about something as well. So again, I guess I had, I guess I've broken the rule of not telling people, but I've done it. That's one story I'm telling. I've done it multiple times and luckily we say knock on wood, nothing has ever happened to me.
Speaker 1:We did it in Cuba. We've met a guy on the beach and then he was. We was like, hey, we want to go out dancing. Later on and he was like cool, where are you staying? Gave him the address. He picked us up we, we went out dancing, came back home, everything was fine, um. So I have to be cautious. But you know, we've done, but we're gonna tell you not to do it as a general thumb. So don't listen to everything we do like your mama say don't. What does your mom say do as I say, not what I do, not as I do right.
Speaker 2:So yes, I've dated, I've dateddated, but I had a briefing content in Cuba with a gentleman. I posted it in our group. He was a very handsome guy. We kept in touch during the pandemic but I went back. I went back to Cuba to see if there was anything there. And you know, it was just something in passing and we didn't really hit it off again. But we had a moment and it is what it is.
Speaker 1:Rhonda. That's the other thing, I think. Within this whole dating thing, I think we have to realize that it may not be our forever partner. We have to come to the conclusion that we can have a good time in that moment. I believe in either it being a friend long-term or it being a friend for the week that you're there. Whatever the case is, I don't think that we should go in expecting everybody will be the love of our life, you know. But, like you said, you wanted to take a chance to see if there was anything you know there. So I definitely thought, think it's cool that if you want to go back, you could go back to see. Right, Because we also realized within dating, like you know, vacation is fun, right, we're having a good time, they know there's people coming into town.
Speaker 1:But sometimes we do have to look at the further reality of things. You know what I'm saying. How does this work if we decide to marry with immigration and all this kind of stuff? So let's run it. You taught us a couple of dating stories. Now let's bring us a little bit further to your current relationship. Tell us how did that start, when did you guys meet at and where you guys are currently?
Speaker 2:So I, in 2023, I visited Benin. I wanted to do the Voodoo Festival. I came across in another travel group. I was in and I said, oh, this is something of interest to me.
Speaker 2:So I worked with a tour guide that was promoting Voodoo Festival and I got to the Voodoo Festival and I see this gentleman. He has beautiful locks and I'm sitting behind him and I'm admiring his locks and I hadn't seen his face. I was just sitting behind him and I was like, wow, you know, and I was so tempted to touch it, you know, you know, you're like, oh, I just want to run my hands through this, this beautiful hair that's sitting in front of me. And you know, if he could feel my energy, you know, it wasn't out of malice or anything, or it was just like I was just admiring him. And then he got up and I saw his face and I was like what a beautiful, handsome creature it was. Just, I was just in awe of his being and his energy.
Speaker 2:He was. I made him nervous. I suddenly made him nervous. I didn't say anything to him, but my, I guess my stares just made him nervous. And, to be honest, he wasn't the first one. He didn't approach me directly. So he was working. He was a tour guide and he was working. He had a large group of European tourists, about 15 or so or maybe more, and his coworker was very fluent in English and was chatting me up. I was sitting right next to him and introducing me to some of the other guests in the group and his coworker took my number, but he texted me.
Speaker 1:So was the coworkworker, the wingman, I guess, so Okay.
Speaker 2:Because my guy is very shy. I could see that he was shy because I made him nervous with my steers, I guess. But he texted me later. That night we went back to our hotels, you know. I didn't say hi to him or anything, I never said a word to him, but I looked at him, I guess with longing eyes. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but his friend gave me, he asked, he told, he later told me, he asked the friend, do you have that lady's number? And he texted me and he introduced himself and I said I know who you are. I guess you know the universe was aligned and we have not stopped chatting, calling and seeing each other. I've returned to Benin and Togo for four times. So we continue to talk. I speak a little bit of French. I used to work for a French company based in Paris, but you know I really I practice more Spanish than I, than French in New York. So, um, but I still I have some basics. So he speaks English.
Speaker 1:So it wasn't an issue because I just to point out, um, benin and Togo are French-speaking countries, so that is the reason why I'm asking her does, does she speak French? I speak not a lick of French, and so I definitely needed a tour guide while I was in Togo and Benin, and it was hard for me in Senegal, again, because I don't speak French. So the good thing is that he speaks English and you speak a little bit of French, so we're able to like some things.
Speaker 2:He would say I don't understand it in English Because I use I might use a word, so I would say it in French for him. You know, and if you know anything about the French people, they always correct you. So my accent is a little bad. So he's constantly correcting my French, but I don't correct his english, I you know, because I think he is learning and anybody that speaks more than one languages, more, that's that your brain is already uh way advanced than mine. So I try not to correct his english. Um, but I I try to differentiate between he and she, because he will say she. And I'm like who are you talking about? Which woman are you talking about? He's like no, it's a man. I said oh well, you need to say he. That's the only time I correct him, because at first it was very confusing for me for him to hear, to hear him say she, she all the time, and I was like why do you keep talking about women?
Speaker 1:wait. So is there a reason why they use she often, or is it in translation that?
Speaker 2:I think it's in translation, so I always correct him in French of what the French word for he is. So I was a eel eel, not not she. Eel is he eel, is he so?
Speaker 1:anyway in French, okay right right.
Speaker 2:So we kept talking. And then I wanted to get to know him a little better so I spent I think I spent 10 days, nine days in Benin and I went to. I went to Togo for two days and he said he's going to come and meet me. So I said no, you're still working, because he was still with his group. So he took off two days and he came and he met me in Lome and we talked. We talked about um. He said he wanted to explore what, what, um, the feeling he, he, he felt for me, the energy, I guess, and um, so we spent the day just talking, getting to know each other, sitting on the beach on in in lome. You know the beach scene is a very nice scene.
Speaker 1:I like to eat so fresh seafood yes, if you guys have not been to Togo or Benin, you have to go. I feel like it's two of those countries that are not explored as of, and maybe by European countries I feel like there's four because they speak French but I feel like for the U? S you never hear talk about. So I've been talking about Benin in the group a lot, uh, because it was a pleasant experience when I went and I definitely want to go back. So I also just wrote an article about Benin. I've been posting videos about it. So if you have not been to Benin and Togo, definitely take a trip out there, and if you're in Ghana, it's easy to go over there as well. So definitely check out those two countries. But I like the way that he said that he wanted to explore those feelings, just like you had said when you went back to Cuba. You want to see if it was more there Sounds like that's what he wanted to do as well.
Speaker 2:Yes, and he. We spoke, we spoke, we spent time, we ate, we drank on the whole day, because I guess Sundays is beach days in Lome. So everybody was on the beach, so a few of his friends he saw. He introduced me, he called his cousin that lived in France right away. Like this is my future wife. I'm like uh.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Okay, rhonda, let's stop there, because if you guys have never dated African men, okay, this is what they do. They are we would call it love bombing here because you know, the first day is I love you and you're going to be my wife, and all this kind of stuff. So when I meet guys I'm like, okay, you and everybody else want to be my wife. We already know it is what it is. So how do you, how do you navigate that as an American?
Speaker 1:Because I feel like, as American, african American women, we are not used to guys saying I love you so quickly and we are not used to and this is not a blanket statement for everybody, but this is kind of majority where we're used to like taking our time, like you hear. I mean, I'm not telling you to be engaged for five years, but you hear stories about people being engaged for five years and in Africa they're like, no, let's get married, like next year, or something like that. So how do you feel with such? You feel, uh, with such, I don't know them being so, um, kind of in your face with I love you and all these kind of things, and I often tell them like you don't love me. You just met me. I could be the most horrible person, but you don't know that because you're already blinded.
Speaker 2:But I don't know what, um, how do you feel with that? Because I felt, I, because I felt like I've been immersed in the West and East African culture. I worked in both West Africa and East Africa and I kind of think, culturally, the men want to be married and want to start families. So, um, and dating has a different construct than american culture. So, um, you definitely have to have good intuition to know who the fakes are, um, and then you know, know, I don't entertain the fakes. Like, if I know, I tend not to speak a lot, I watch people's movement and if I think that you're just trying to approach me because you think I'm a foreigner, I don't ever identify myself as an American. I don't. I say I'm from Jamaica, because it's just easier.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask where is your family from?
Speaker 2:I am from Guyana but it's easier to say I am Jamaican because everybody is so in awe of Jamaica.
Speaker 1:This is very true. Go back to Guyana, because I feel like people confuse Guyana with With Ghana. With Ghana, and Guyana is in South America, if you guys did not know, yes, in Guyana they speak English, not Spanish.
Speaker 2:They speak English, but we learn Spanish as a second language. We could choose what second language we want to learn. We can learn French, portuguese or Spanish. I chose to learn Spanish. But we have, you know, because we're surrounded by everybody, they speak every other language. We have to pick another, a second language.
Speaker 2:So he didn't tell me that he loved me on the first day, but he was definitely introducing me to his friends and family on that first visit because I was leaving out to Coturno and he made sure that I got to the airport safely and he was so sad. He was so sad when I left and I felt so bad that you know, we had just met. We had a great connection. It was so easy for me to be around him. You know, sometimes you meet people and you feel like they have intentions, bad intentions for you. I never felt that with him.
Speaker 2:So that same year 2023, I went back in May to meet his family. I met his cousins, I met his aunt. His parents lived in a very far village and I had some medical issues at the time. I didn't want to go that far because the roads were very bad and it would probably mess up my back. I have back issues a little bit more. So I said I'm going to stop. And you know we traveled like four hours to get to where most of his relatives were and his son. He has a son, so I wanted to meet the son. So we traveled four hours and we spent majority of the time with the family and getting to know the son. We went out, you know, we did things around the community. We went to waterfalls you mentioned.
Speaker 1:he has a son. Do you children?
Speaker 2:I do not have children, um, but it was important for me to meet his family and to see the dynamics of the relationship between him and his son and him and his family, um, before I made the decision of whether I want to go forward, um with the relationship I have a question for you, rhonda, because you mentioned, you mentioned young man.
Speaker 1:So is there an age gap?
Speaker 2:yes, there is an age gap, okay, and, um, yeah, I, I am comfortable with him. He, uh, if, if you know, african men are very mature, they, they're very mature, they're mature beyond their years and I feel like I have a young spirit, but, yes, we do have an age gap.
Speaker 1:So is the age gap 10 or 15 or younger? Yeah, 15 years, 15 years, and so this is an important question. You don't have to answer it now. My question is a lot of African men want families with their wives, so is that going to be an issue? Has that topic came up? Or you guys are like, hey, he already has a son, I don't have any children and we're both cool with raising the family as it is.
Speaker 2:We are very fine with raising the family as it is. We discussed it at length because I am not willing or want to have children um and um. We are content with the one child. Um, he had this. The relationship was a little traumatic on his side. So he has some relationship traumas and we're okay with the one child. It's a boy. We said we could have many grandkids from him, so I am happy with that decision. He's comfortable with the decision we talked about polygamy we talked about. I'm a very communicative person so I put everything that I knew about the culture on the table.
Speaker 1:And so they believe in. So polygamyamy is polygamy big in benin uh in togo?
Speaker 2:yes, it is, yes, it is um. Even in benin you, you can choose the type of marriage that you want. You could do um culturally, you could. You could do a cultural wedding. You could do a registrar wedding and in Nigeria sometimes they do the white wedding and you have to discuss, you have to declare In Togo, you have to declare what type of marriage you want, if you want a polygamous relationship or marriage or you want a monogamous Christian or Christian with a term Christian relationship.
Speaker 1:Interesting. Ok, ok, ok. So I didn't know that there was like a declaration of all of these things.
Speaker 2:So what did, what did?
Speaker 1:you guys come to the conclusion. Which one are you guys going to do?
Speaker 2:So he comes from a polygamous family and we decided that we're going to do a monogamous cultural wedding slash engagement. So that's what we did.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you guys have already done the engagement process of it.
Speaker 2:Yes, In January of this year we did the engagement ceremony and the dowry negotiation and I had my family member represent my side of the family and I had a friend that I went to university. Her father is a lawyer in Togo and he represented my side of the family.
Speaker 1:What was the dowry like? Because I know they usually do dowry if you're from there. So how did that work? By you being from here?
Speaker 2:Okay, which is probably the dominant culture in Togo. Once you find a lady that you like, you're supposed to go to her house. But me, being a foreigner, he and his family made most of the arrangements. We had what you call dancers, we had cultural dancers, we had women that would welcome me into the society or into the family, so a group of women. This is their job and because I was a foreigner, things were done a little differently. So we didn't have a huge diary negotiation. I told them the only thing that I wanted was a ring and African fabric, because I did not want it to become outrageous and I didn't want it to be tension between our families, because you know it could get ridiculous and you know, are there usually usually part of the dowry.
Speaker 1:Is there usually animals involved?
Speaker 2:normally yes they did kill a goat for me. They did kill a goat because I requested yes, I did request a goat also, um, and they, they killed the goat for me, but I didn't. I did. I ate some of it and then we fed it to our guests. Okay, because I'm not coming back with a goat. I'm not coming back with a goat.
Speaker 1:So how long did the whole process? Was it over several days, or was it just one day?
Speaker 2:So most of the negotiation was done over the phone, and then you know back and forth and him trying to work out what he can afford, and so forth and so on, and then on the day of the engagement ceremony I was presented with all my diary.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, okay, Super interesting. I'm glad you were telling this story. I kind of briefly remember you mentioning it in the group, but to hear it I'm like, oh, wow, okay, so that's cool, that's different, and this is one of the reasons why I love to travel is because I love to hear about cultural differences. We're from the diaspora, they're from the continent, so you guys are literally kind of like bridging the gap at this point, and so my next question is well, let me go back to this one question.
Speaker 1:You have mentioned relationship traumas, and so how is he currently working through that to be prepared or to be a better husband to you? And have you had any relation traumas and how are you preparing yourself to become one? Because I think a lot of times we get into relationships and we're broken, and so when you have two broken people, you have a broke relationship. It doesn't become two broken people don't become whole, Okay, so how are you guys working through those things to kind of ensure? You know, the goal of marriage is to be forever, essentially Right. So how are you guys both working on yourself to become as one, as one?
Speaker 2:So for, for for me, um I've I've been in therapy, um I've I've always um believe in in therapy. So for my, I won't say I have relationship um traumas with, with, with, with partners, I have traumas from parents and and and so forth. So I've been working through those with my family, my family history, you know, trying to break those generational curses and that's ronda real quick.
Speaker 1:That's important because I think sometimes we do think about relationship traumas. But yeah, we have trauma from our parents that definitely go into relationships. I was talking to someone and they were like, yeah, my parents never said I love you, and that kind of trickled down and it's like, yeah, you need to work on that, because if they didn't say they love you, then you're looking for other people to tell you, when that's not necessarily their role. Depending on you know the relationship, that's not necessarily their role. You're still, you know, reeling from something that happened as a youngster. Now you're an adult and it's still coming back up, even though you're past 18 or whatever the case is. So I'm glad you also mentioned that piece about working on healing from family traumas.
Speaker 2:Right. So and then for him, um, you know he, he is um, but you know most West African um, if you're not Christian, you're Muslim or you're spiritual, so to speak. Christian, you're Muslim or you're spiritual, so to speak. So he does not follow a particular faith, but he's very spiritual and very intuitive.
Speaker 2:He is what we call well, in Jamaica he's a Rasta, and everywhere we go they say you know, you hear the Rasta come out. They say, yeah, rastaman. Everywhere in Togo and even Benin, they refer him as a Rasta. And then recently, when we were in Africa, they're like Rastaman, rastaman. So he doesn't particularly ascribe to the Christian faith, but you know there's a higher power and that is fine with me. I am Christian and I follow structured religion, so to speak, but I am aware of the non-structural religion or traditional religions of the African continent and how that plays into certain things. Even in our ceremonies that we did, it played a big role with the people who were brought in to do the certain ceremonies. For us that was a big part. So we didn't get engaged in a church or it was in a hall and whatever spiritual leader did the ceremony and so forth.
Speaker 1:So I know they do practice voodoo and stuff in Togo. Is that something that was either a part of the ceremony or something that he believes in? And how do you work with that as a Christian, because you know how Christians feel about voodoo and all this kind of stuff? So how did you work through that?
Speaker 2:kind of stuff. So how did you work through that? I am not. I am, I'm very open because, you know, in the diaspora we have, um, similar practices, um, so growing up I I've seen similar things done. Um, so I wasn't, I wasn't shocked by anything that I saw at the voodoo festival or, you know, I wasn't part of the secret parts of the ceremonies but the public ones. I wasn't shocked by anything I saw, or even the people that I initiated into the voodoo practice. You know there were. I saw, I saw many things happening, but I wasn't surprised because I had seen those in the diaspora. I'd seen those at different um ceremonies in in Guyana, for example.
Speaker 2:Um, so I wasn't observe. I observe what he's doing and if I don't feel it's bringing me any harm, I don't think I need to intervene in his culture and how he does things. I did ask him how he would feel with me raising his son as a Christian. He said he didn't have an issue with that because the child goes to church right now. So you know. And how old is his son?
Speaker 1:He is 13 years old, so he's in the middle, not quite an adult, adult, but not quite a child either. So why did you get along with him while you were there?
Speaker 2:oh, he loves me. Oh, my god it was. It was very hard leaving the first time. When I went to see him and, um, you know, he's like my little, the father said I'm spoiling him because he's like my little, my little wing person. He's always by my side, he carries my bag, he always makes sure I eat. He wakes me up to eat when you know sometimes, you know it takes long to cook for food with all the students, so I'll fall asleep and he'll, he'll wake me up and tell me mama, it's time to eat. So, um, I enjoy yes, he does. I enjoy having the two of them in my life. I really do. I feel very peaceful, I feel very protected and I feel love. And I am loving both of them because, you know, the son he has never been told he's been loved and he giggles when I tell him I love him.
Speaker 1:So and then so we talked about some of the cultural differences. We talked about religion, we talked about a couple different things. Any other cultural differences that you have seen that may come up in another person's relationship, dealing with those things, it's a patriarchal society with those things.
Speaker 2:It's a patriarchal society and you know many of the women in the diaspora. We have very powerful personalities and voices. So, being mindful of that, you know, he always says to me I am the man and this is my work, so I have to give him that space. Um, although I am capable of doing what I've always been doing, I've been single so I can do everything. I can build a house, I feel like a bill of house, so, um, nothing ever stopped me, but he, you know, he would say this is my job, or I am the man, and so we had to talk about equality and you know that we're equal partners in this relationship and for us to move forward, he needs to recognize my contribution as I will recognize his contribution, my contribution as I will recognize his contribution. So that was a little difficult conversation for him because that meant letting go of some of the things that men normally would do.
Speaker 1:And so I guess it was a conversation for you as well, like you said, and when you're used to doing stuff. So it's kind of like this is cold conversation about women quote unquote acting like men, and I'm like it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with whether or not we're single or we have to do, we have to live life. So I can't wait on a man to buy a house, to build a house, whatever the case is. So I am going to step up and do what I need to do to make sure my life is fulfilled. Right, that's one, and then two when you have somebody to be the man, you have to also learn how to step back.
Speaker 1:So it's a good thing, in a sense, because you're like okay, there are certain things that I don't have to worry about and I can fall back because we are, you know, black women, the strong Black women we have to do everything. You know they call this. You know women, the strong black women we have to do everything. You know, um, they call this. You know that one is a soft air, uh, but it's like basically allowing somebody else to take control. So you're letting some of your control go, and so is he, and then trying to come together, uh, for these particular things so that's a good one um anything else that has come up.
Speaker 2:So far those are the only ones, and you know, understanding the culture, because for me there's some things, some, some like family relations. Everybody is seen as family and for me, you know, we have nuclear family and we have brothers, sisters, cousins, and we could say first, second, third cousins. In their society it doesn't happen that way. So he introduced all his friends as his brothers and I'm like how many brothers do you have, you know? So it took me some time to differentiate who was friend, very good friend, or who was cousins, because they don't have that in their vocabulary as cousins. This is family, Everybody's family, and it was a little confusing.
Speaker 1:I mean, we have similar too Sometimes we sometimes we'll say oh, this is auntie, this is uncle, like you know what I'm saying, and it's just a family friend. So we do have some similar things as well.
Speaker 2:Going on yeah, but it would. For me it was important to have, like, the clear distinction because I needed to know who I needed to pay respects to. So I'm a very respectful person and I didn't want to misplace my respect. Is this an elder brother, or is it just an elder friend versus you know, auntie, or you know, or just somebody in the village that you call auntie, so to speak? So those were very important definitions and delineations for me. So it took time because you know I would have to ask other family members like okay, so how are you related? Are you related on the father's side, the mother's side, and so forth? So you know, investigations yes, it's important, it's important.
Speaker 2:And then you know, the fact that I had a school friend whose father was still there helped me understand some of the culture. We, she and I, went to university together. So she would say, okay, this is culturally appropriate, this is not culturally appropriate, appropriate. So she also helped me in understanding how certain things are done, because you know, I had a lot of questions and sometimes he couldn't, he couldn't explain to me fully in english how things are done. So you know she was, she would do, she would speak to him in french, and then she would say okay, don't worry, this is how it's done. Of course, I have anxieties when you hear different languages being spoken around you and you don't understand everything. So I would, I would, she would be my consultant and then I would speak to her dad, who, who you know, speaks English also. So I would speak to the two of them and to get a better understanding, because I have to protect myself also, you know, um, that's just the way it is.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I agree with that, um, so tell us, when is the wedding? Um, and the other question is are you going to be moving to Togo? Is he going to be coming to the US?
Speaker 2:We filed the K-1 visa, which is the I-129 fiancé visa for him and his son to move here to the United States to be with me. So we're going through that process right now. So as soon as the process comes to an end and he's approved, we'll have a wedding here in New York and then, maybe in later years, we're going to retire to Togo.
Speaker 1:So that's the plan.
Speaker 2:That's the plan. That's a long-term plan. We're going to start we already started looking for land so that we can acquire. Now that I am his wife, I can buy property.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Well, if you're throwing a big wedding, put me on your invite team list. Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am. Well, if you're throwing a big wedding, put me on your invite team list.
Speaker 2:Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this has been a great conversation. So one of my last questions is if there is somebody dating or about to get married or anything, what advice would you give them? You know, as a solo traveler, to now being engaged and to you know getting married soon enough, what advice would you give someone?
Speaker 2:I would say stay alert, look for, look for red flags and green flags. You know I had um, I had I, I knew what I wanted. I and I wanted a kind and a gentle, caring person, um, and an honest person. And he, he's been true to his word in every way. So you know, you know and then do your background check. You could do, you could pay people to do background checks of foreign nationals, you know. So do your background checks so you know what you're getting into and follow your heart. You know there are other people that I consulted before I forged ahead.
Speaker 2:I didn't just go with my heart, legally, I had him checked out. I spoke to different people that had done the process before and see how they were adjusting. So I spoke to a lot of people to get a better insight because, you know, I'm dealing with a different culture, different languages, a younger person. So I wanted to make sure that I am not going to put all my life savings or earnings or all my life's work at at risk or on the line. So I did a lot of background work, um, before I said, okay, yes, we could move forward, um, and most people don't talk about that um, because they lead with their heart. But I have to lead sensibly, right, yeah? So that's that's the I said. You know, follow your heart, yes, yes, but do the work behind the scenes so that you, you know that you did your part.
Speaker 1:You know we can't plan for everything, but at least the parts that we can look into and verify, we we do that part, and to me, that brings us full circle, rhonda, because in the beginning, when we were talking about some solo tips for travelers, the first thing you brought up was research, and so that ties the theme together of doing your research, whether it's a new country or a new love, Exactly, we have to protect our heart. We got to protect our assets, we got to protect a lot of different things because, honestly, you hear good and bad stories about dating people from other countries, but again, we're in the US, where the divorce rate is high, so it's not a matter of like a country or a place. I think it's a matter of the heart, right, because you're going to have good people and bad people in the US, europe, asia and wherever else we're at. And so, Rhonda, please let us know where people can follow you, where can they follow your journey? How can they follow the Facebook group? Let us know all of that information.
Speaker 2:So I am on IG Rhonda Mona 3. But mostly my stories are posted in the Black Girl Solo Travels group and join or, you know, request, answer the questions and request membership and we'll get back to you in 24 hours. My personal page I don't really post that much on that page about my relationship because I want the experience to be mostly. Most of my experiences I share with the group. My personal page I might share political and other stuff, but mostly for the group. I want women to know about other women's Black experiences around the world so I post all of my content in the group. So my IG have some personal stuff but I prefer that you go to the group for travel-related content related to Black women solo traveling.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, rhonda, thank you so much. This was a lovely interview and I can't wait to work with you some more and it was very interesting hearing your story and I definitely think that people can learn from it. And I will say stay tuned, because I am putting on a solo conference later this year. So stay tuned for that particular information. And also, if you want these are not solo trips, but if you want to join us in Egypt in November, ghana in December, definitely make sure that our audience is listening, can join us and we'll talk to you all later. Okay, thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Speaker 2:I really appreciate it. So peace out.